I feel like nothing is worse than losing everything you once knew.
I can't believe I'm discussing this, and maybe its for the millionth time, but my mind never changes about it.
I did lose everything I knew, and talking with an old and faithful friend (<3) today really showed me that again. Even though I already knew.
I guess she just reminded me in a way. And I'm not meaning this in a terrible way, I just mean in a good reflective way.
In high school and when you're young, you think you'll be friends with the people you meet forever. But it really isn't true. You 'fall in love' and say "No matter what, we will stay together", you say "Forever"
But that doesn't happen either.
I'm not sure why but for the past couple weeks I've been thinking and thinking and thinking of old friends, my ex-boyfriend, and going through everything that ever happened.
And honestly hearing from my friend today that is was a shock, and when I moved I 'just disappeared' it was kind of reassuring that I really didn't do anything wrong.
For years since I left Orangeville I've been blaming myself for how everything fall apart.
And others even blamed me too.
Maybe it was because I didn't tell them really what was going on at home, since I never had my friends around.
Or maybe its because they were just fucking assholes.
Either way, friendships failed and love died.
Hearing today that some else agrees it wasn't my fault, and things were bad enough for me to leave has made me break down so hard tonight. -like literally bawled right now-
The hardest part is the fact I've tried to make things work.
Going out of my way to see people, putting up with their bullshit excuses that they never come here, or its 'so far away', trying so hard to make plans, and even fighting with my family repeatedly about how my 'friends' treat me like nothing.
And why? Because its my fault that I left.
However there is a silver-lining to the fact that I did leave.
I've grown as a person, and I have people who care about me here.
And I don't have to go a fucking week with being ignored by a parent that should love you no matter what.
I have so much more opportunity here. And I love the fact that I meet people and become a regular face for them at my job. I have met people that don't know my past and don't know what family problems I have but they like me for just being a genuine person.
 I love not being so closed minded to just small now stuff, although I love having come from a small town. I love the fact that I can look at myself and say, "You got out, you got away" and getting out has really shown me a lot of negative things about Orangeville.
I know everywhere has your snotty teens, but for some reason they have all seemed to congregate in Oville, them and the fucking drugged prego ones.
The worst part is, that life is handed down generation to generation, to generation, in their families too.
And yes I know not all of us small town kids are like that, but really I'm pretty positive 92% of Oville kids are.
Now I'm not going onto an Oville bashing rant but just had to say those things.
I just feel so much free-er here in Toronto, I know how to get around now, I know no one really cares what you look like or what the fuck you're doing when you walk down the street.
I find it liberating, and some will never know the feeling.
Some will never get out.
I'm not saying you have to permanently live Orangeville to feel all these things, but it truly helps immensely with any personal growth one desires.
I'm also not saying I completely hate the town, I love going back for visits.
The hard things are driving down the streets I would walk at 1am, the spots that He and I would just sit, places where I would be with my old friends. Then I think of my high school years, and then I think of how I should have been different. How I should have been in high school instead of who I was. I wish some days I could go back and change it, but I can't. And by then I'm back to thinking about how it all came to that drastic change. I went from:
fight with mom before work
left to Toronto after work,
talked to my dad and step mom all night,
decided i had to make the change
moved the next day.
Within 24 hours, life as I knew it was completely different.
and no one will ever know how much I cried myself to sleep that first night of being gone.
It wasn't because I left school, or because I left friends, or because I was away from my boyfriend(of the time).
It was because I left my brother and sister.
The two people that meant more to me than any of those other things.
I had left them, and I felt so guilty, and I still do.
I left them with a fucking monster of a mother, someone who will hurt them, destroy them, and eventually lose them too.
And she has done nothing but prove me more and more correct to that thought.
Now I apologize for the massive tears and bluesfest but I think I have just been bottling it up inside for so long.
I to really talk about it, and even if its to no one, able to talk and let it out without holding emotions back I feel relieved.
And out of all of this I have only one more thing to say, or let out.
I thought some people where my friends in those high school days, and even up til recently. But I've seriously been getting so frustrated lately again with excuses. Especially with two of my 'closest' friends. I have been there for you, offered help and many things to you as a friend, and maybe I haven't always been the best but I have tried, and I never got much in return. I invited to places, I came to visit you, and other things, and not one but both of you fucked me over and made me feel like nothing. Maybe its because I'm not with the innocent 'oh its okay, ill just say I'm sorry and its over' or the 'i didn't think of it' or the 'i didn't think it would matter'. Well the truth is, after awhile it does matter, to a good friend it does fucking matter. If you know I'll be somewhere, even if you go with someone else don't let me find out you managed to get there when i see you there. And if you want me to actually be somewhere you've invited me to, don't ask me when you're already there, or hours before. I have given you the decency of knowing at least a few days before, and willingly invited and genuinely wanted you to come to things.
There are people you think you know who you think are your friends, but as time goes on you really see who they are. Or at least how they act, and again its heart breaking. But everything goes on, everything will,


the one best part is though,
 knowing the certain friends that you see even if its once a year, or every few months, nothing changes. You still talk like you always do, you hug and laugh and reminisce and complain together all over again.

and you know that you're happy.

1 comment:

  1. I love you so much Winter <3 I'm so proud of you the positive changes you made in your life and I was so happy to realize that some parts of leaving high school were simliar for us. I'm so happy our friendship never changes, you're an amazing girl <3